Written by Rodd Justice
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Topics: Flooding, panic

Friday, 9 November 2001

image for Floods! Don't Panic! Don't Panic!
Mr. Piddle's teeth, confiscated by Bordshire Police

Forget war in Afghanistan; forget AIDS in Africa; real news could affect your Little English selves! Summer's gone, and so it's time for localised flooding to take over the news. Small-scale damage will occur for a day or two in towns like Chichester and Yeovil, but for some it is providing welcome relief from the otherwise seemingly irrelevant news on TV.

Localised flooding can cause major problems, and the biggest problems tend to occur to the most stupid residents. Every year, there are stories of people losing items they treasure so much, that they forget about them when it floods. Old codger Alf Piddle, 63, of Leighton Buzzard, lost his beloved first set of false teeth in last year's flooding.

"I'd left them in the dinghy in the back garden so that they wouldn't get soiled out there, and when it flooded, my teeth just floated down the street." Police were forced to imprison Mr Piddle, because of an archaic Bedfordshire law from the 12th century that states that false teeth are evil when floating.

Other stupid people who were affected by the flooding include a woman in Ely who only realised that her house wasn't insured when she attempted to make a claim last year after damage to a dozen of its bricks. A gentleman in Pembroke died in 1998 because he'd built his house in a kind of quicksand that only goes "quick" when it gets wet. And there is the infamous story about a woman who was allergic to water, and so sandbagged her property to the max. This led to a painful addiction to sandbagging, which almost killed her when she sandbagged herself inside a telephone box.

Britain gets off quite lightly compared to other nations in the flooding stakes. One country in particular that gets an aquatic pounding is Bangladesh. In the 1980s, Bangladeshis embraced the film series "Gremlins", where cute toys turn into evil monsters when they are wet. As a result, Bangladeshi kids snapped up millions of the cute toys, but now that there is regular flooding,

86' of the toys are now possessed by evil. The Gremlins have overthrown the government, and established a military junta intent on scratching the faces of their former human owners.

Flooding is becoming increasingly common, especially in the East of England. Climatologists are eager to point out that Global Warming is responsible. However, a more exciting theory is that a conspiracy led by local news programme anchormen is behind the flooding. The BBC's unpopular show "Look East", dedicated to the East Anglia region, revels in the mini-disaster.

Due to the lack of other events, the show survives on the effect of 12 inches of water on downtown Cambridgeshire. A coincidence, or a regional conspiracy? You decide.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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