In an effort to broaden the appeal of lawn tennis, the Lawn Tennis Association has decided not to renew the sponsorship on offer from squash drinks manufacturer Robinson.
A spokesperson for the club, Colonel Smetherson Ponsebody Rudditwitte, a former world barefoot domino champion, said (after removing the plum from his mouth):
"Wimbledon has now become the smash and grab championship. The players simply smash the ball from side to side and then grab the trophy winnings. Also, now that grace and talent has given way to brute force, we needed to realign the sponsorship to match the core audience. The fluffy and pinky-finger-pointing-in-the-air-while-drinking character of Barley water just doesn't fit in anymore.
"While, yes, there are still a fair number of Hooray Henrys who can afford to take two weeks off to watch the Championship, spend £20 on a tub of strawberries and drink expensively cheap champagne all day long, the core audience profile is slowly shifting down-market. Or to quote Francis Rossi from Status Quo, 'down, down, deeper and down'.
One good example is, on the odd occasions the Sun shines, more spectators are now shielding themselves with copies of the Sun rather than The Times.
"To ensure we appeal to these more downmarket people, we are delighted to announce that our new sponsor will be Newcastle Brown Ale, and in keeping with binge-drinking habits, our new strapline will be "Not just balls get smashed at Wimbledon".
John McEnroe said: "I can well believe it!"