Today in Scotland's capital city of Edinburgh, its major bus company Lothian Buses announced that they were replacing their drivers with baboons.
After two days' training the primates will be driving all over the Lothian region, and will have a standard set of rules to follow.
- change the gears badly, making all the passengers jump in the air
- run as late as possible, and then drive recklessly to catch up on their times
- shout ape noises at other passing bus drivers
- slam the brakes on as hard as they can, to make passengers bang into things or fall over
- drive over pavements at corners, and damage the wheels
- spend half an hour gossiping with other baboons at terminus driver-changing times
A Lothian Buses spokesman said: 'We are confident that baboons will not only drive as well as our current drivers, but will be an improvement. We have had a record number of complaints this year from customers, some even suggesting that chimpanzees or even American presidents could handle our vehicles better.'
And later this year, the City of Edinburgh Council will be considering giving black cab licenses to orangutans and gibbons only. The river Clyde had nothing to say about today's news.