The annual Lawn Tennis spectacular at Wimbledon looks set to place a particular strain on NHS services this year, with demand for ambulances, heart pacemakers, defibrillators and ACE inhibitors looking set to outpace supply.
The appearance of Maria Sharapova, Ana Ivanovic, Jelena Jankovic, Serena Williams, Venus Williams, Katarina Srebotnik, Dinara Safina and Lindsay Davenport look set to cause particular distress.
Commentator Sue Barkingmad explains:
"We have an ageing population, and the appearance of these young women, with their long legs and frilly underwear, cause much excitement amongst the male population, and thanks to liberal thinking, amongst some of the female population as well.
"While teenagers are well able to control their urges, we have found, however, that the over 70's are at particular risk to these nubile and relatively unclothed females.
"It would appear that heart attacks and breathing problems occur predominantly amongst the older male when these tennis stars start flashing their underwear, flexing their long legs and grunting during the course of their game.
"With the advent of Sky Plus, many dirty old men will be actually harming their health by devoting too much heavy breathing to the adoration of these female beauties.
"My advice to the older male fan of tennis is to watch with care, alternate between the men's and women's game, and even intersperse with the occasional Coronation Street or cooking programme to take the mind completely off the ladies."