Yesterday it transpired that an escapologist by the name of Keys Maloney was involved in a prison escape bid with auctioneer Harry Dunworthy. The bid, which took place at Dartmoor, involved Keys Maloney in infiltrating an auction house and waiting patiently for lot 182, described as 'Prison Escape.'
The bidding started at £10 and was close to reaching £12 when Keys put his hand up and shouted "Sixteen thousand pounds and forty-five pence and that's my final offer!".
Keys then retired to a small field in Inverness and studied his purchase carefully.
His main problem was that he was not in prison in the first place and so could not actually escape. Realising his problem, he slapped a fishmonger in the face with his own kipper and got sent down for 40 years.
40 years later he escaped. Whilst being escorted to the front door on his day of release, he slipped from the hands of the guards and ran onto a bus, then back out again when he realised he had no money.
In a final act of humiliation, he borrowed a bicycle off a prison guard and cycled to the nearest B&B.
There he remains to this day, under the new name of Mr Cynthia Falsetrotter with his pet dog, Keys Maloney.