The biggest robbery in British history occurred earlier this week, as thieves made off with the astonishing amount of £3.2 billion, dwarfing such robberies as the Brinks-Mat one. Police are uncertain as to how this was pulled off, but are questioning a number of suspects in central London.
Criminals persuaded millions of people to send them over a hundred pounds each, for a service that is already free all over the world, and one that is already paid for in Britain by the government. Then they simply kept the money, and didn't even bother doing what they were supposed to be paid for.
A source close to the thieves said: 'It was brilliant, one of the gang got £18 million for doing nothing at all, and more millions were stolen by their computer handlers, claiming they needed the cash to create the most expensive weathermap programme in the world, something that any student could design for a hundred quid.'
And further investigations revealed that tens of millions were used to build a fake toy town in Hertfordshire, even with tube trains that go nowhere, for no other reason than to line the crooks' pockets.
A Metropolitan Police spokesman said: 'We appeal to the public to help us stop these dangerous criminals, £3.2 billion is bigger than most countries' annual defence budgets. If they strike again, then hospitals may need to be closed, and thousands of jobs lost and state benefits cut. Pensioners should particularly beware of the thieves when they're entering post offices.'
And in an anonymous phonecall to The Spoof, one of the criminals said: 'We still can't believe we got away with it! And not just once, but for year after year! This swindle makes all other ones look trivial. I'm off for my 8-month holiday in the Bahamas, will be back next year to try and do it all again.'
One Swiss merchant baker in Zurich added: 'I'm sorry, we can't reveal any details of the accounts of our billionaire criminal clients. All that we can say is that some of our German ones are extremely envious of the alleged fraud in London, and so are we.'
Sir Terence Wogan was seen running down a side street with a stocking on his head.