Written by Rodd Justice
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Topics: War, News

Friday, 9 November 2001

image for War Dominates News
Come here Bush and I'll bite your fricking arm off

The terrorist attacks on America and war in Afghanistan is dominating the news so much that other important news is not being covered in the media. Government announcements, scandals and other necessary information are not being covered. This report is the only evidence of any of this.

Government announcements have been given little media coverage. Dumpy Shirtsoff, who is advisor to the Minister for Dogs and Bacon, was caught semaphoring an internal memo to his colleagues about recent plans to jetison failing public infrastructure. The memo read: "Railways scrapped. NHS scrapped. Schools will be shut down tomorrow, kids will be taught in fields, as discussed in the recent conference on the 'Khmer Rouge' - if successful, maybe we can send some Pakis there too."

The memo was largely knocked back by newspaper editors, who decided to concentrate on coverage of the reaction of household pets to the attacks (e.g. "Bow WOW! These Terrorists Are Barking Mad!").

The distracted media has also ignored the scandalous behaviour of politicians. One MP actually revealed that he once used government money to buy an Asian country with the sole intent of molesting the native children. Television news did not cover this because of the fascinatingly difficult-to-watch coverage from Afghanistan of a dark city being bombed in the distance recorded by low quality infra red cameras.

Recent e-mail viruses have also received little media attention. A recent virus has duped many people. It suggests that it is a link to a picture of "Osama Bin Laden doing something funny". The common response of the user is "boy, I bet this is both really imaginative and witty", and they are often disappointed. When it opens, a virus that incriminates them in Bin Laden's terrorist activities is activated. Three people are currently believed to be on Death Row as a result.

Media coverage is set to become even more war-dominated. Plans to scrap British weather for Afghanistan weather coverage have been drawn-up: "There's a 90' chance of it raining missiles, you punks?this one's for all the New York weather forecasters killed. Temperatures will be 1000 degrees when you burn in Hell".

But it's not just the media that is covering up other news to hide it. A husband in Basildon recently made a confession to his wife that he'd had an affair, lost their wedding photos and killed her father in a revenge attack. She apparently was transfixed with the latest Pentagon briefing, and therefore overlooked the news.

In summary, it's war this, terrorism that. Everyone's cashing in on the chance to cover up news by using the war on terrorism. By the way, the UN in Kabul was bombed (OK, I admit it - I, Rodd Justice, was driving the car that killed Diana) and 15 civilians were killed, according to reports by the Taliban.

Make Rodd Justice's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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