Her Majesty the Queen surprised onlookers during a visit to the Cumbrian town of Whitehaven last week, when she met the World Gurning champion Tommy Mattinson, and outgurned him.
The Queen was there to "see how the poor people lived", her interest having been raised after Tory leader David Cameron's comments recently that Northerners should pack up and move South.
Her Majesty met Mattinson, the local blacksmith, at his 18th century place of work where he was smelting some horseshoes. Local newsman, Edward Cramp, takes up the story:
"Her Royal Highness mentioned that she had heard all Northerners like to 'gurn', and Tommy explained that it wasn't ALL, just about 85% of them. As Tommy is a bit of a dab hand at gurning, he showed her his best, and she loved it!"
The Queen liked Tommy's gurning so much, it seems, that she decided to have a go herself, but excited onlookers recoiled in horror at what they saw next. Cramp again:
"As soon as She put the toilet seat around her neck, the place fell deathly quiet. Nobody had ever seen a queen gurn, and I don't ever want to witness the like again. It was hideous. In fact, many people were physically sick. It was terrible!"
One of the slightly-less-affected onlookers, gypsy Edward Smith, said:
"When she put that bog seat ovver 'er 'ead an' puckered-up, she looked gruesome. She's well-and-truly suited to the sport!"