Written by matwil
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Thursday, 5 June 2008

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Weegies sitting their silly names exams

Today the Glasgow College of Inventing Silly Names opened.

As no Royals dared set foot in Scotland's largest - and most violent - city, minor celebrity Thingy, the lead singer of Travis, performed the official opening.

Glasgow has led the world for years in giving its places and sites silly names - most recently it renamed the Clyde Arc bridge the 'Squinty Bridge' - and now a whole college will train students in this remarkable art form. Other amazing nicknames include calling the SECC 'The Armadillo', because it vaguely looks like, er, an armadillo, and the markets in the East End the 'Barras', because that's how Glaswegians say 'Barrows.'

Local resident Sir Stanley Baxter had this to say: 'Seeraynames, byraway, tusnaeuzeezyarritlooks.' And Bearsden resident, Mrs. Elspeth Bertholomew, added: 'I think it's freightful that Glasgow should lend itself to such silly behaviour. Another scone?'

The college will have many different inventing-silly-names courses, including an international one, and one for all of Britain. And so students can learn about 'Chilly Jocko Land', 'Weegieland', 'Embra', and 'Brum', and even the 'Convict Colony.'

But some were not pleased by this new college, and Saint Bob Geldof, who made his fortune out of people starving, said: 'When I called Ireland the 'Banana Republic' I never knew it would lead to this. Please don't inflict more silly names on us, please.' But former Glasgow council leader, Pat Doolally, said: 'We'll keep inventing silly names, pal, want to make something of it? Ah'm aff to see if my council tax can be wasted on more useless bridges.' Glasgow is 200 this week.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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