Written by Paul Deacon
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Topics: Shoplifting

Friday, 9 November 2001

image for Woman Shoplifted Goods In Her Eyebags
Old Bag

A woman has been sentenced to 6 months in prison for stealing over £10,000 of goods from various shops. Over the course of a year, she had been concealing items including buttons, soap-powder, and fridge-freezers in her prodigious eyebags.

Beryl Payneridge, 60, was finally caught when a security guard at Dixons became suspicious. He told the court that he thought either the woman "hadn't slept well for a year or she was shoplifting something". He demanded to examine her eyebags and discovered a Sony digital widescreen television and several DVD's.

Sentencing Payneridge Mr Justice Once said "You took advantage of your naturally sagging features to wilfully defraud and burgle shops". He sentenced her to 6 months in Ford open prison and a course of Olay SOS Replenitude Eye Cream.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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