The Chancellor of the Exchecquer, Alistair Darling, today announced plans to create a new tax on breathing.
'It is a necessary tax', he said, 'for too long the public have suffered due to unregulated breathing. Taxing it will help the nation's health, giving people a tiered rate of breathing and thus taxation, according to their needs.'
When asked how the tax would be implemented, he said: 'All homes will be fitted with breathing meters to record the level of respiration, and outdoors all people will have to have portable meters attached to their throats.'
To ensure the new taxes are collected special teams of Breathing Officers will patrol Britain's towns and cities, and anyone who is stopped by them and found to have no meter will be given an on-the-spot fine of £75.
Civil rights organisation Liberty were going to protest about this tax, but then realised it didn't concern skin colour or sexuality, and so didn't bother.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown said: 'This is a fair tax, and a long-awaited one, and it will help cut down air pollution and excess wheezing.'
Conservative leader David Cameron added: 'If only my party were as right-wing as Labour are, not even Mrs. Thatcher would dare bring in this one, let alone congestion charges.'
Some people won't have to pay the new breathing tax - which means MPs and councillors won't - although many have suggested that just stopping them breathing all together would save the country a lot of money.