In an effort to assist the hard of thinking and those who turn immediately to the football pages of their tabloids before reading anything else, the Newspaper Association has announced that from next month, all news in tabloid newspapers (except the middle-England Mail) will be printed alphabetically.
And to further enhance the service, each listed word will have the meaning, in words of no more than one syllable, printed opposite.
A committee of tabloid editors and sub-editors has been set up and is headed by blond editor of the Daily Star, Feelma Tittes, who used to be a journalist until she gave up writing and journalism to edit the Star. She explains:
"Many of our core readers don't realise that a newspaper is primarily to present news in a convenient, transportable and easy to use format. Unfortunately many of them, especially men with earrings and dirty, steel-toed boots who tuck their newspaper down their trouser rear, don't realise that there is in fact other material besides football and smutty, premium rate, call-girl advertisements in our publications.
"We want to discourage them from reading our newspapers from back to front, as they could be missing out on vital news.
"For example, had they read yesterday's Sun newspaper from the front, they would have learned that Charlotte Church is actually Osama Bin Laden's love-child, the 12 year-old runner-up opera singer from 'Britain's Got Talent' lost because she wasn't old enough to sleep with the producer, they are glazing over the entire centre of Rotherham to encourage a warm feeling for the residents of South Yorkshire and that instead of using Botox for the Leslie "Frank Bruno" Ash lip look, Freddie Starr put a small furry animal in a liquidiser with a kilo of sugar to make 'two lips from hamster jam'." [Auhor's note: Say the last five words quickly]