London - (Republican Mess): Kate Middleton has been told to stop her arms proliferation and drug running business on behalf of Vladimir Putin's 250+ London-based spooks and get a proper job to pay for any future wedding to William.
That is the Puppet Monarch's stark message after the recent Windsor Castle nuptials fiasco when Hello Royal Scroungers! magazine bailed out silly Opus Dei bum-bandit Peter Philips and his Canadian trollop bride with a hefty £500,000 wedge.
Middleton is determined that William's two year hypnotherapy course has weeded out any gay tendencies at the heart of dominant genomes in his bloodline.
A revolutionary Harley Street hormone implant under his scrotum ensures that William's brain is rewarded with extra boosts of testosterone and cocaine any time a heterosexual thought occurs.
A Hellfire Club PR campaign to immerse him in manly activities such as ritual drunkenness in top London nightspots in between bouts of strutting about in military uniforms completes the carefully crafted image makeover.
Chelsy Davy is three months pregnant.