Written by Gordon Bennet
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Sunday, 1 June 2008

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A Typical UK Golfer and Angler on a Irish Weekend Break

Yesterday Irish Government Spokesperson Gerry Fiddler announced that from next month combined Golfing and Fishing Tourist Trips to the Republic where to be banned.

Gerry went on to say "Enough is a Enough is Enough."

"The people of this Country are sick as a Parrot Fish with all these people from abroad turning up here lowering the tone of the place."

"You would never believe it, but men, mostly men from all over the UK mainland dressed in T shirts, jeans and trainers are throwing a grotty set of old golf clubs and fishing rods in the boot of their car and turning up here every weekend without being invited."

"And what do we get, when they get here?

"I will tell you."

"They get pissed as rats and then go and hack seven skittles of shit out of our beautiful Golf Courses."

Then not content with that, they go and thrash around with Fishing Rods on out beautiful Rivers and Lough's."

"You would never believe it?

"I could put up with them ruining our superbly manicured Golf Courses or frightening our poor fish to death if they only did one dastardly thing or the other."

"But no way am I going to stand here sitting down and let the buggers from the UK do both on the same day or even the same week or month."

"Not over my dead body, as long as I am alive."

Gerry added "Before I stand down, I see my last big task, is to clean up our beautiful countryside."

"I want to do the same for the beautiful County Kerry as I have done for Dublin."

"That is, price it right out of the Tourist pocket."

"Just look at the rip roaring success rising prices have done to the Stag and Hen Weekends?

It is now cheaper for Brits to travel to Bangkok for a weekend than to come here to Dublin."

"We don't want them and we don't need them."

"That is what I call a success story."

However Mrs Kerry Gold from the Macgillcuddy's Reeks Guest House, Killarney was not so certain!

Kerry said "How does that Gerry Fiddler expect all us poor souls trying to run a Bed and Breakfast be expected to survive."

"As she sobbed she added "this the Ring of Kerry of all places, the most lucrative area of Ireland outside Dublin."

"I have eight Kids and fourteen Grand Kids all expecting to wear the latest Nike gear just like our wealthy American Visitors."

The Irish Government Golf Spokesman Sandy Bunker said "American Tiger Woods who normally spends a couple of weeks in south west Ireland practising at Ballybunion prior to the British Open Golf Championship was extremely disappointed."

Apparently Tiger had said "Those two weeks in my ancestors homeland playing a bit of Golf and relaxing by doing a spot of Fishing are now lost for ever."

Irish Tourism Spokesman Paddy McLoadsamoney said "this could be a disaster for Tourism in this Country as up to now you could turn those visitors upside down and shake them until every penny dropped out of their pockets."

However yesterday was not all bad news for Golfers and Anglers as several Welsh Farmers spotting a gap in the Tourist Market where apparently up at the crack of dawn busy digging Fishing Lakes and carving out eighteen hole Golf Courses.

The last word went to the American Ambassador to Ireland Mr Dunkin Donut who said "75% of the time I am 110% behind my learned Irish Compatriot."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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