After auditioning over seven million people, with nightly televised heats lasting over three years, the winner of "Britain's Got Talent" was announced last night.
The result followed the most hotly-contested viewer vote ITV has ever undertaken using rigged premium telephone numbers. However, at least 24p from each call went towards helping the needy, namely Simon Cowell.
The series, hosted by Aunt and Fec, former actors from popular butch television series Dyker Grove and Newcastle's answer to Richard and Judy, has had people gripping the edges of their seats in an effort not to feel ill.
With the usual audition line-up of singers who couldn't sing, dancers who couldn't dance, unfunny comedians and Aunt and Fec at every bloody turn, there was nevertheless a panoply of innocent British members of the public not only prepared to make total fools of themselves, but allow themselves to be insulted by a man with extraordinary bright teeth and a haircut like Sam the Blue Eagle from the Muppets, who himself was laughing all the way to the bank.
The eventual final ten included a Kamikaze Seafood Chef, a one-legged ice skater, a stringless guitar-player, a 5-year old lumberjack, a Shakespeare-reciting Chav, and the spaghetti-eating champion of Norfolk.
In the end, a 92 year-old sword swallower and ballerina from Hull stole the final. The police hope to find it by next Tuesday.