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Thursday, 29 May 2008

image for Britain's got Altnet - Simon Cowell's new show for dyslexics
A dyslexic continuity announcer who will play the acoustic fridge on "Britain's got Altnet"

Simon Cowell, millionaire owner of incredibly, false-looking, implanted, Dulux-white teeth, who shot to fame and fortune by simply being a lucky bleeder in the right place at the right time, announced today that following on from his hit TV series "Britain's Got Talent" will be "Britain's got Altnet".

This new version of the same old format aims to give dyslexics a chance to perform at the Rolay Varsity Permaference being held this year in the Paddlium Teahert in the heart of Donlon.

Simon told a packed press conference of journalists wearing polarised glasses to avoid the glare from his teeth:

"I wanted to give people who can't spell a chance at stardom, and I don't mean uneducated morons who can't spell because their parents are too drunk, fat and working class to ensure they hand in their English homework.

"No, I mean those poor unfortunates who mix up their words through no fault of their own. A bit like Gordon Brown does, except it is his fault.

"Amanda Legs, Pierced Moron and myself want to see jugglers who can't spell, dancers who can't spell, ladies with large breasts that joggle up and down when they sing who can't spell, irritating, precocious, 10-year old ginger-haired kids who can't spell, and blind knife-throwers who can't spell.

"We want to see the lot.

"But more importantly, I want to make more money. And if I can do that by insulting talentless people in the auditions, while at the same time make fun of their inability to spell correctly, then all the better."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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