Gordon Brown has stunned the nation by introducing an Obesity Tax.
Under the new legislation all British citizens will have to report to their GP or local health centre to be officially weighed and issued with a dated printout.
Height to weight ratio charts will be used to assess the amount of tax due, and will work in much the same way as vehicle engine capacity and age affects road tax payable. On the spot fines will be issued by police and health officials equipped with portable scales, to anyone not within their weight bracket. There will be an option to declare yourself 'off road' which, the government think will dramatically reduce congestion on the country's high streets and on public and private transport.
Minister of state for public health, Dawn Primarolo said, "This is a long overdue move, and Gordon should take full credit for having thought of it himself while tossing a salad at number ten."
Employers will be under no obligation to pay employees who don't show for work due to being overweight or declared off road.
Fred Pigg, Britain's fattest man said, "It's well known obesity is prevalent among the working classes, particularly work-shy unemployed benefit pimps like myself, but we can't all afford to shop at Waitrose, so of course we buy the cheaper cuts supplemented by junk food. This obesity tax is blatant class discrimination. Believe me, this is the thin end of the wedge, before you know it we will be forced to give up our four wheel drives and football season tickets."
The obesity tax will not come into effect until January 2009, giving the nation a good six months to get into shape.
Supermarkets are bracing themselves for a lean Christmas.