Written by Steddyeddy
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Tuesday, 27 May 2008

image for Royal Mail's Chief's £2million bonus 'Lost in post'
New post delivery service not too popular with postmen

It was revealed last night that Adam Dozier, Chief Executive of the Royal Mail, won't be getting his £2million bonus after all.

As a result of his successful Post Office closure programme, the spectacular consumption of money by the firm's pension fund, the successful year-on-year losses and the bloody stupid letter/large letter/packet system introduced a couple of years ago that demand your own private Stephen Hawking on hand to understand, he is widely tipped to be made a Sir, Lord or even a Dame in the Queen's New Year Honours' listing. He has already received over a million quid this year, which is only about £986,000 more than the average Royal Mail employee receives.

At the same time, Mr Dozy is proud that his workers are continually messed around, have to do longer hours for less pay and have their regular postal rounds completely buggered up in order to ensure that morale is as low as possible and that the dysfunctional morons in HR have something to do.

Not to mention the increase in the price of a stamp from last April (oops, I said not to mention that! Sorry.)

Spokeswoman Penny Black explains:

"While Adam has done a fine job decimating the Royal Mail to the extent that the Queen is almost embarrassed to have her picture on our stamps, we have a duty to the UK National Chief Executive Greed Association, of which Adam is Chairman, along with all the major UK bank chief executives, to ensure Adam receives as much money as possible for doing as little as he can.

"However, the fact is, it does look like he won't be getting his £2million pounds immediately.

"The reason for this is that his £2million cheque has been lost in the post."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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