Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced he has had enough of Japanese capitalist imperialism seeking world domination through consumer electronics, mind-numbing computer games and anime. "Britain is a tolerant, fair and decent country but enough is enough."
The Dumfries Conservatives Association says Brown's plan to hunt down and sink the mawkish comic figure Hello Kitty using the British Admiralty is bollocks. "Hello Kitty is not steaming towards Britain in the North Sea; she is in Brent Cross Shopping Centre marked down 20% for the weekend."
Brown vows that his government will not follow the same path of appeasement followed by Blair, Thatcher and Anthony Eden.
"Starting with the transistor radio we fell into Japan's trap by falling in love with British rock and roll leading to a downward spiral towards larger dearer consumer electronics such as the television, microwave and cassette recorder."
"All along the plan was to trick us into spying on ourselves by selling us surveillance cameras disguised as home video cameras, allowing Japan to build up a huge war chest of cash and a stupendous array of film of top secret British military installations of all stripes along with footage of birthdays, bar mitzvahs, Uncle Tony falling over at Christmas and some naughty bits of Prince Charles in bed with what appears to be a large-boned shaggy retriever."
Brown admits the Conservatives may be right "The only thing that may save us is the Highland Charge."