London - (Ass Mess): A Civil List hit-squad has swooped down in a dawn raid on occupied royal palaces to determine the extent of rampant cocaine abuse among recipients of cushy state handouts.
Worst affected was Kensington Palace where the family of Princess Michael of Kent (sic) has been supplementing its official sinecures with an estimated £20,000 weekly turnover in crack sales.
Princess Marfaret's two official offspring were also caught with some 10 kilos of unidentified toxic white powders which the National Poisons Unit is now testing.
At the Duke of York's Royal Lodge grace and favor residence the hit-squad found half a million tabs of Ecstasy and half a tonne of Bolivian Viagra.
Meanwhile at the Pretender's official country seat of Highgrove a strongroom crammed with 500-Euro banknotes was prised open after two tonnes of heroin was found in the garage.
Princess Anne's daughter Zara Phillips is 30.