Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: Crime

Friday, 30 May 2008

image for Crime Figures On The Increase, Or Decrease, Depending On How You Look At It
Statistics - they're misleading, aren't they?

Crime in the UK is soaring out of control, according to a report out today. But, in a complete contradiction, another report says crime levels have stabilised, and, if it is to be believed, could even be decreasing.

The two reports have created more than a little confusion amongst experts, and laughter amongst the rest of the population, particularly those hard-nosed criminals who are committing the crimes, or not, as the case might be.

Crime in general in the United Kingdom is down 13.4%, but with violent crime against the person up a massive 84.63%, and crimes against animals up 4.2%, overall crime (that is, crime committed whilst wearing overalls), was up 29.4%.

Stabbings, gun crime and murder were all up in England, whilst elsewhere in the UK, they were "out of control". Riding a bike with no lights was down, as was riding on the pavement, but there was a sharp increase in rape.

In the Midlands, crimes such as shoplifting and shirlifting rose a staggering 67.2%, whilst in Scotland, drug crime and mispronouncing the English language broke all previous records, much to the dismay of the police, who pronounce it no better.

Analysts say that the figures show that, depending on who you want to believe, and on how you look at the figures, crime could be up or down, but you should be careful to make your own mind up, and not be so easily led into believing just anything you see on the news or read in the papers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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