An alarming report has been published which has discovered that on Friday 14th April, 2008, 92% of Londoners were drunk, tipsy or paralytic.
This worrying evidence means that London is facing an alcoholic meltdown as binge drinking reaches what can only be described as 'cataclysmic heights'.
Supermarkets have been warned about selling 'cheap booze' but it's not just the retail giants who are taking advantage of thirsty Londoners..
The Rev Derek Swanton of St George's RC Church in Lewisham has come up with a novel way in which to raise funds. Rev Swanton picks up the story, 'We need a new roof and to be honest, the coffee and carrot cake after a Sunday mass was not exactly packing them in so I changed all of that.
'I went to the Supermarket and bought a few crates of Stella Artois and 24 cans of Kestrel Super Strength and 5 bottles of Chilean Red 14.5%. You know, as the blood of Christ and all that.
'First week we did this and we raised over a monkey, I mean 500 quid. It was fair to say, this had been an unequivocal success and now we regularly have them standing in the aisles every week.
'At this rate, we can repair the roof, build an extension and get a plasma 50' TV screen to show the football on Sky.'
The Lord does indeed move in mysterious ways….