Mark Clitheroe, a 43 year male from Leyland, Lancashire has been given an official police caution after he was discovered having sex with a workbench vice.
Clitheroe, a single Librarian who still lives with his parents said 'I have nothing to be ashamed of. The act was carried out behind closed doors and in private and as such, I have nothing to apologise for, least of all, any shame. Next thing I know, the rozzers (slang term for Police) have kicked my garage door in and I have a gun aimed at my scrotum with a police marksman screaming at me to hit the floor. I would have complied but my genitalia were in a vice which did make things tricky.'
A shocked, bewildered and semi naked Clitheroe felt that Lancashire police 'over reacted' and as such, he is in discussions with his legal team as he attempts to sue as since the incident, he has been unable to masturbate and as such, is now impotent.
One neighbour, who did not wish to be named, said 'this means a whole new meaning to vice squad'.