Chelsea - (Rehab Mess): A post-urban smack addicts' needle exchange garden modelled on Kate Middleton's social life has taken gold at the Chelsea Flower Show.
Flanked by poison ivy, deadly nightshade and other toxic social climber plants the durex-strewn, dog-mess infested 20'x20' parterre is full of innovative urban landfill features.
These include half-torn Rizla packets, bits of burnt tinfoil, makeshift crack bongs and teensy-weensy cocktail umbrellas from Mahiki nightclub in Mayfair.
A fetid cascading water-feature in the centre of the exhibit bears an uncanny resemblance to the burst mains sewer outside Clarence House that regularly tops up the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain in nearby Hyde Park.
It spews forth royal coat of arms-embossed tampons and bits of Windsor Castle-personalised lavatory paper, joint roaches and ginger pubic hairs.
A badly charred Harabs' Food Hall shopping trolley acts as a makeshift sun lounger while a selection of horribly stained Conran Shop mattresses prop up crumbling corrugated iron screens rescued from a Buckingham Palace skip.
Flourescent Chelsy Davy is a skag-slag graffiti completes the scene along with the RHS's 2008 Gold Medal Winner certificate.
Princess Michael of Kent (sic) is a hooker.