Written by Steddyeddy
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Friday, 16 May 2008

image for Fatwah Declared on Human Resources
The directors of HR busily HR'ing

A disaffected former employee of Rolls Royce, forced out of his job by a dysfunctional HR manager who blamed no golfing partner to play or cheese and wine function to attend, has set up a world-wide organisation to fight for the world-wide banning of HR.

He wants a return to the good old days of personnel officers who know about their companies, their staff requirements, place their own recruitment advertising, undertake their own interviewing and generally become the lifeblood of company administration.

Joe Czarfunee asks: "Is there any chance that someone out there will realise that we are now being taken for a ride by clueless bean-counters? They know less than nothing about the requirements of the companies they work for, they encourage wasteful and expensive out-sourcing, allow recruitment ambulance chasers, oh sorry, I mean recruitment CONsultants take huge commissions and loads of expensive badly targeted advertising, while gate-keeping for something they know absolutely nothing about?

"They are the only departments in companies that breed unnoticed, and bring nothing but misery to workers as they go about disseminating their load of American cow pat activities learned at HR conferences, including balanced scorecards, performance reviews, psychometric memory games and other utter rubbish.

"So I decided to set up ARSE, the Association of Really Shagged Employees, and our mission statement says that 'If something is not done about them soon, we are going to go around HR departments in all companies and switch the lights in their offices off'."

However, Lou Stooth, a co-founder of ARSE, is not convinced this is the best approach. He says "I have visited many HR departments in many companies and found that the lights in their offices work on motion sensors. This means that because of the lack of any movement or activity in HR departments, most lights are subsequently already off, so threatening to plunge them into darkness is a bit futile.

"I think plunging them into a vat of boiling custard might have a more beneficial effect."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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