The Chief of Manchester's Police, Sir David Beanstalker, denied that his riot police officers had 'run away like little girls, and sobbed in the corner.'
This was referring to last night, as hundreds of six-foot officers, armed with batons, teargas and helmets, ran for their lives, as they were chased for miles across Manchester by drunken, pasty-faced, skinny Rangers fans, armed only with their fists.
One riot policeperson, shaking with fear, said: 'We never stood a chance, you know what the Jocks are like, the only people that can take them on are other Scots. Even the Irish won't cross them. Wonder if I can get counselling for post-traumatic browntrousering disorder?'
Another officer, Ms. Alice Weightlifter, added: 'I thought I was tougher than any man, till last night. Remind me not to visit Scotland.'
One English M.P., Brian Cashonlyson, called for the rebuilding of Hadrian's Wall, but it was pointed out that thousands of Scots would steal all the building equipment, and then put all the builders in hospital.
And Premier Gordon McBrown, in London, stopped chortling for long enough to tend to his onion plants. 'It's appalling', he said, 'that - snigger - Scots should behave so - hee hee - badly, a full non-enquiry will be made, just as soon as I get the sack.'
And Scottish Fistintheface Minister, Alex 'Ali' Salmond, added: 'Who's like us, huh? Now you know why we need twice as much police funding as England, though we've only got a tenth of the population.'