Scottish First Deputy Thingy Alex Salmon, speaking from his fishtank in Holyrude, claimed that violent, drunken Rangers fans had not been a disgrace to Scotland.
When asked how they could be more of a disgrace, Salmon said: 'OK, most trouble with football fans leads to riot police attacking them - it's just that the Rangers boys cut out the middle man, and attacked the police first. I call that patriotic, vote SNP!'
And when grilled under a bright light, by unbiased BBC Scotland reporter, Jackie Birdmouth, he added: 'I blame the English police. The Rangers fans were very peacefully yelling drunken, anti-Catholic, anti-English, anti-everybody, violent, hate-filled songs, and attempting to destroy Manchester city centre with their bare hands, and bricks and bottles. We want an enquiry into the shameful attempts by the cops to keep the streets safe.'
But Rangers mangler, Wally Dug, said: 'Violence, sectarianism? From Glasgow? Nah, you must be imagining it.'
Gordon Strachan, Celtic manager, stopped laughing hysterically to make this comment: 'While deplorable, it wuznae us!! It was they bampot bluenoses!'
And Rangers Fan Club sectarianary, Jack Bluebird, added: 'Wha's like us! See you, pal, dinnae come tae Hampden next week, or it's the Glesgae kiss fer you!'
Suggestions that Rangers fans started the trouble were also denied by another fan, Billy Handshake: 'Oor fans make the IRA bombers look like schoolkids. No surrender! We arra peepil!'
Ally McCoist is overweight.