Written by Raymond Bentos
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Thursday, 15 May 2008

image for Manchester Police 'baffled' at Cup Final rampage
Deranged Glaswegians console each other the only way they know how

Following the unprecedented damage caused by an estimated 100,000 Glasgow Rangers fans celebrating the defeat of their team in the Uefa Cup Final, Greater Manchester Police remain 'baffled and surprised' at the sudden turn in mood from party atmosphere to carnage following the final whistle at the Theatre of Dreams.

With 15 police officers and a dog recovering from serious injuries, a visibly shocked Assistant Chief Constable simply shook her head during a press conference this morning, unable to comprehend where it all went wrong.

'Everything seemed to be going so well', she stated. 'We allowed a hundred thousand Glaswegians into the City, encouraged them to cram into clearly inadequately equipped public spaces, made no attempt to stop them drinking heavily from early morning until following the match and encouraged local pubs to make them welcome. It's very puzzling'.

Baking in the hot sun for the best part of ten hours prior to kick-off against Zenit St Petersburg with only Tennants Extra and Carling to keep them hydrated, the colossal mob took over a good part of the city centre, making it a no-go area for non-kilt wearing locals for most of the day. With virtually nothing to eat save the haggis sandwiches and salty porridge brought with them, it was suggested to the Assistant Chief Constable this may have been a contributing factor.

'I find that hard to believe', said the still-perplexed senior officer. 'After all, the Scots are known to be a hardy folk and we thought they'd be able to look after themselves. That's why we made absolutely no effort to contain or control their enormous marauding number for most of the day'.

As Manchester Council workers attempt to clear up the estimated six hundred tons of empty beer cans and local businesses attempt to quantify the damage, the spokesperson for Glasgow Rangers' Supporters did make a comment but he was so drunk it couldn't actually be understood.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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