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Wednesday, 14 May 2008

image for Queen's Speech summarised - what Gordon really meant
Gordon Brown on the way to deliver the Queen's Speech

Today saw the delivery of the Queen's Speech by Prime Minister Gordon Brown. This was primarily given because the Queen was in Turkey on a Royal Visit to her husband, who had been slung in jail for insulting the Turks while on the same Royal Visit.

Highlight of the speech was detail of the government seeking the lowest number of civil servants since 1945, although Gordon did ask for permission to extend this to eight o'clock.

In the public services, there will be more power for patients, meaning that they will be able to charge their iPods while they wait to be seen in the A&E Department of their local hospital.

There are also plans for a bill to give young people a statutory right to an apprenticeship, which has already scared the sh*t out of Sir Alan Sugar, based on this year's series of dimwits on his BBC programme who fail to appreciate that a Moroccan butcher shouting the Moslem call to prayer at a dead chicken does not necessarily qualify it (the chicken) to be classed as Kosher.

Adults are to be given the right to a second chance in education, already given to the hordes of students who re-sit their exams each year because they are too busy getting drunk, texting one another and copulating excessively.

Every worker will have the right to request time off to train. This is because rail travel has become so erratic under Labour that workers need to build-in time should they have to commute to work via the railways.

New and existing incapacity benefit claimants will have to undergo medical checks to see if they can go back to work. This was thought to be a snide reference to Abu "The Hook" Hanza's family who collected £41,000 a year plus a Mobility Car in exchange for deriding Britain and training suicide bombers.

There will be an NHS renewal bill. Payment of this bill will go to the army of non-medical and quite useless consultants employed throughout the NHS.

The policing and crime reduction bill will speed up the recovery of assets obtained by criminal acts. However, it won't be allowed to speed up too much for fear of being photographed by a roadside revenue camera.

There will be a white paper on Lords reform. It has to be a white paper because writing on black paper would be ridiculous as you wouldn't be able to read the words.

Conservative Leader Mr Cameron claimed that "Labour has created two new offences for every day it has been in power - if it had been us it would have been one at most". However, Labour defended this by stating it had also actually created an equivalent number of ogates and ohedges.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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