Written by matwil
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Topics: Zoo, Panda

Monday, 12 May 2008

Edinburgh Zoo is in negotiations with China to bring a pair of panda-eyed junkies to Scotland, and it has been proposed that a breeding pair would be on loan for 10 months, which is a junkie's life expectancy in the Capital city.

But a spokesbear for Advocates for Animals said: 'We always have reservations about captive junkie breeding programmes, because they don't have a high rate of success. If you're going to do breeding programs, do it with the middle classes, at least they take cocaine.'

And a spokesjunkie for Edinburgh's estimated 43,000 heroin addicts said: 'Hey, what's wrong wi' oor ain scum, huh? Penny for the homeless, pal ....'

China has had a major influence on Scotland's capital city, beginning with opium exports for posh writers like Robert Louis Stevenson, right up to cheap bags of smack for teenage mums in Greendykes, but the arrival of two panda-eyed junkies will certainly make the community more exotic.

Some locals may even break in to the Zoo at night, to see if the pair can mate, but already local bookmakers, Corstorphine Hill, have made them 3,000 to 1 against becoming parents. But of course if they do, their offspring will instantly be not taken into care by the Lothian Social Work Department.

Tony Blair is not a result of a Royal Family breeding programme.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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