Prime Minister Gordon Brown today attacked Labour rebel Frank Speaker in a field today, the BBC East Anglia news team announced.
Sources close to Mr. Brown said: 'He lost his temper, after Frank had a difference of opinion with him - Frank said he was a boring, unhappy, miserable git, who made a mass suicide pact look like a happy, joyful party.'
And chancellor of the Reichchequer, Mr. Alistair Dahhhling, said: 'Hey, not all Scots are dour, depressing, eejits like him - look at me, a laugh a minute!'
But spokesranter for the Revolutionary Party of East Kilbride commented: 'Aye, it's true. Even John Brown and Donald Dewar increased the national suicide rates every time they spoke on TV, and as for Nicola Sturgeon ....but Brown tops them all.'
Owner of the field, Farmer E. U. Subsidy, stated: 'Can I have more money, please? Farmers have enough suicidal problems without being depressed to death by the PM.'
And Mr. Speaker himself added: 'Brown makes Mrs. Thatcher look like a hilarious stand-up comedian, or an easy-going tolerant leader, and even makes Neil Kinnock seem witty and cheery.'
Mrs. Brown will be the next Queen of England.