It has been revealed today that one of Britain's favourite and best-loved dysfunctional rock stars, John "Ozzy" Osborne, is to receive a KBE in this year's Birthday Honours list for his services to incredulity.
On hearing the news, Ozzy was said to be "f**king deligted". His daughter Kelly, who was hanging on to the pavement for dear life at the time of the announcement, was said to be completely drunk.
Ozzy commented: "It's going, like, to be f**king amazing, like. To be able to have a knight I can get through like! And to meet the queen! She is just so f**king regal man. Even more so than Sharon. Or that f**king Simon Cowbell."
Amongst other notable luminaries to receive honours are:
Sir John Bourn, who receives an NFU for "his services to the expenses industry", where as head of the National Audit Office, he managed, together with his wife, to successfully spend tens upon tens of thousands of pounds of taxpayers' money on first class trips and accommodation abroad, while at the same time telling government departments to cut back and spend less.
National Express are to receive an NBG for "outstanding contribution to rail ticket confusion ", by introducing special cheap fares which are unavailable and generating complete dismay amongst the travelling public when they make a completely futile attempt to obtain the simplest and cheapest fare between two destinations. The Queen was said to be delighted that she never travels on National Express, even thought there is free wireless broadband.
Abu "Hook" Hanza is to be awarded an IRA for his "services to the extremism industry". The award panel were said to be especially amazed at his creativity in how much he was able to claim from the NHS and DWP in taxpayer handouts while at the same time totally belittle and condemn Britain.
Jonathan "Wossy" Ross is to be awarded a PTO for "being completely irritating and never letting his interviewees get a word in edgeways". He is also being acknowledged for his ability to screw such a fat contract out of the BBC.
The remaining list of awards to wastrels, drunks, useless, inarticulate, spitting footballers, time-wasters, z-list celebrities and the occasional extremely hard-working, un-thanked volunteer will be released in June.