Written by Rodd Justice
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Friday, 5 October 2001

image for Critic Sez The Media is 'Pap and Useless'
French Tunnel Vision

Shocking news for all us news fans. Some buffed-up critic called Funky Spyglass has described our television as "pap" and the Internet as "useless".

He has slammed the entire media in a recent report called "The UK Media: A Chance for an Ageing Intellectual to Rant". It has had a profound impact on many people's lives already. Media-man 'Mad' Max Clifford has grown a few more grey hairs since, although at this stage, it isn't being blamed on the report.

Spyglass, 67, with an overbearing personality, is regarded as the Egon Ronay of news and information; partly because of the way he spits wine on the floor, but mainly because of his expertise in the field. He has left thought-bombs outside the major stations in our brains, and this report is the coded warning.

Television takes an absolute battering from Mr Spyglass. Practically every show has had its integrity torn apart like perforated Siamese Twins.

Up for particular criticism is GMTV, which "seems to have an obsession with the death of Princess Diana - every so often, they have to raise the subject. I can picture their coverage of the sounding of Gabriel's Trumpet. The blonde would be all 'doesn't the public reaction remind you of when Diana died'. Eamon Holmes would continue his anchor man role, and by that I mean he weighs about as much as an anchor."

Personal insults of the presenters aside, Spyglass also believes that many viewers of the show have seen visions of Diana because of constant referencing - a condition known as "French Tunnel Vision".

The acting on shows such as "Hollyoakes", "Neighbours" and the "Weather" has been described as "awful". The only show where the actors got applauded was "Big Brother", who were commended for "having to act nine weeks solid in character as the most irritating dullards the world has ever seen."

The Internet has been lambasted as being "useless".

Spyglass said that he found nothing but "porn, gambling and porn gambling sites, where users gamble their hard drive porn collections."

"Then I found nothing but these stupid Microsoft parodies; 'Bill Gates is a Hamster', 'Microsoft Buys A Coconut'; 'Microsoft Products Smell, No You Smell, No Microsoft Smells'. I just don't understand why people aren't focusing their attention on ridiculing companies that aren't so successful, like the guys responsible for Pez sweets."

Summary. Is this report food for thought, or BSE-infected food for thought? Well, if the Egon Ronay of media has served it, I'm ordering it with a side salad of tabloids.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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