Written by Chuck Barber
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Topics: England, Armageddon

Sunday, 9 May 2004

In a totally unexpected statement Bruce Jenkins, a pipe fitter from Dorking, England announced that he is the Anti-Christ -- an evil figure whose appearance is supposed to lead to the battle of Armageddon and the end of the world.

Under intense questioning from the country's media, Anti-Christ Jenkins qualified his statement admitting that he is the Anti-Christ only for the Cargo Cult religion. Cargo Cultism is an offshoot of animist religions in the South Pacific which viewed Allied food drops during the Second World War as gifts from the Gods.

Dressed in a grass skirt and holding a skull, Jenkins spoke to the assembled media while standing on the roof of a neighbor's potting shed. "My powers and authority are slightly limited," he said. "I caused the massive traffic tie-up in Leeds a fortnight ago and allowed a car park in Tonga to flood despite otherwise perfect weather. I expect to foment other such problems for you humans in the months to come. These will lead up to the battle of Manus!" Manus, Jenkins explained is an island in the Admiralty Chain.

When pressed for details of the Battle of Manus - the battle which should herald the end of the world as we know it - Jenkins acknowledged that the battle would be more picturesque than disastrous. "However, the battle will annihilate a portion of Manus." At this he threw the skull he was holding into the midst of the journalists, scattering them, somewhat. "But I am working on a deal to decimate Guam!"

After the last pronouncement Jenkins jumped off the back of the potting shed and ran away. Police, called by the owner of the potting shed, say they are familiar with Jenkins.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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