Written by Angus McFiddle
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Wednesday, 7 May 2008

New London mayor Boris Johnson spent Bank Holiday Monday ringing people in Liverpool to tell them to "come and have a go if you think you're hard enough".

The mop-topped blond buffoon has spent a long time suffering abusive phone calls and hate mail from Scousers who were incensed at Boris calling them all thieves. Now, as mayor, he plans to get the whole of London's 7 million population to gang up on Liverpool.

"I will have the last, er, well let me say, erm, the last laugh," bumbled Boris. "Liverpool may have got the better of me for a while but now I have the whole weight of London behind me."

Boris spent all of Bank Holiday Monday going through the Liverpool phone directory, calling people on their home phones to intimidate them. "So far I have got to the Bs," he said, "and I have them quaking in their boots."

Famous Liverpudlian Sir Paul McCartney, speaking from his millionaire estate in posh Sussex, said, "Liverpool is a great city that doesn't deserve to be picked on by Boris."

Sir Paul left Liverpool reluctantly in 1935 for the more favourable tax benefits of Peasmarsh. "I would still be living on the Mersey if it weren't for the local ferry tax there," he didn't say yesterday.

Boris Johnson, meanwhile, was criticised by outgoing mayor Ken Livingstone for using London as a battering ram to pick on smaller cities. Ken said, "the London mayor should be worried about tubes, buses, roads and fireworks at New Year."

Boris was indignant, saying, "The lady is not for turning. After we've finished with Liverpool we'll go and do Portsmouth. The bastards."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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