Written by Mike Oxhuge
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Topics: Pornography, eBay

Monday, 5 May 2008

image for Ebay - The new internet porn?
eBay user

A recent survey has shown that more and more men are turning away from browsing hardcore porn sites and switching to eBay instead. The pornography industry met last night for a crisis orgy to discuss the severity of the situation.

It appears that the lure of cheap car parts, DVDs and Buy-it-nows are proving too seductive to the average male. Latest statistics suggest that the average single man with no friends can spend upwards of four hours a day looking at things that he can't afford or will never buy.

Some men, such as Boris Johnson, 57, admit that they are completely addicted. "Its amazing what you can find, just the other day I bid on Kylie Minogue's knickers and was pipped in the last minute. Its so exciting. I used to spend ages watching porn and masturbating but now I no longer need to hide my shame. I've just bid on a quaint capital city called London where you can become mayor. I've no idea what to do but this sounds like an absolute hoot!"

Some men use the site to bolster their rating score as they believe that this makes them more appealing to women and other users. Geoffrey Archer, 101, said, "There's nothing like getting a 100% positive feedback rating. I'm now a Powerseller and my business in discreet brown paper envelopes has really taken off. I'll never look at a German dungeon porn site again."

The porn industry is currently reeling from the revelation. Downloads and memberships are significantly down and fetish sites have reported bizarre requests for women looking at eBay in the nude. Hugh Jorgan, spokesperson for SPANC, the adult industry's union (Society of pornographic actors needing cash) said, "This is an alarming trend. In the past, we could rely on single ugly guys to boost our sales but this is no longer the case. eBay should be outlawed."

eBay refused to comment last night but an insider said, "Everyone's delighted. Most of the new users are too stupid to read the small print of the site and don't realise that they have to not only pay a listing fee but a percentage of their sale price. We're raking it in!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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