Written by matwil
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Sunday, 4 May 2008

A decision will be taken soon as to whether the Pope will not or will not visit Northern Ireland later this year.

His spokesman, Father Federico Mafioso, said that Mr. Ratzinger's non-visit had been carefully discussed in the Vatican, and some had said he shouldn't go, some had said he definitely shouldn't go within a hundred miles of Ulster, and some had said he was off his trolley to even talk about going near the place.

Democratic Unionist MP, the Reverend Ian Paisley, summed up the difficulties, compromises and traditions of the Protestant community there when he stated: 'ULSTER IS PRAAATESTANT! NO POPE! NO SURRENDER! U-D-A!!', though another unionist MP, David Trimble but it more bluntly. 'The day the Pope sets foot in the 6 counties is the day I play for Glasgow Celtic.'

A British Army spokesman also said: 'Should the Pope pay a visit to Northern Ireland, we anticipate a few problems that will require extra security - problems such as thousands of men attacking each other with petrol bombs and bricks in the streets, hundreds of carbombs, sniper attacks and house-burnings, and an orgy of drunken, uncontrollable violence across the Province. So it will just be like any other Saturday night here for us.'

This would be the first visit to Ireland by a Pope since 1979, when Pope John Paul II didn't go to Northern Ireland, and even his non-visit set off mass riots, effigy-burnings and shootings, so he clearly helped bring peace to that part of the world.

Provisional Sinn Fein deputy gunman, Martin Minesaguiness, speaking from his fortified mined castle, said - 'It is a sad day for the Irish people when a man of peace can't visit this country - and you know how much the Provisional IRA loves peace.' And then he continued - 'are the microphones off? Good. He must be mad! You think those crazy Proddy eejits would let him put a foot down here? He'd have more chance setting foot on the moon.'

And an Ulster Volunteer Force spokesgun, Billy 'Rabid Foaming-at-the-mouth Mad Dog' McKenzie said: 'The Protestant community is not bigoted, and welcomes the Pope with courtesy and respect - as long as he does a few simple things. Firstly, he must renounce his Catholic faith, secondly, he must change his name to John Knox, and thirdly, he must join the Rangers Fan Club and the Orange Order. I think these demands are reasonable, and if he doesn't do them he'll be getting a Belfast kiss from me!'

Saint Tony Blair was unavailable for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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