Kids all over Britain are rejecting the MTV culture that has been so prominent among the yoof since the 1980s. These kids, known by many as the 'Lost Tongue-Studs', were saved from desperation only by forming a cult around the hard-nosed political opinions of 'Daily Mail' columnist Simon Heffer.
Dominic Nuttbar, 18, was an avid MTV watcher. "I used to get out of bed, and just watch the videos for most of the day, stopping every hour or so for a VH1 break"
"MTV became an addiction. Whenever something really bad came on, I just sat through it, held out, just in case there was a good'un on afterwards. In retrospect, there never was, but it's easy for me to say that now."
Nuttbar continued his story, which I have edited for dramatic purposes. "My taste in music has been ruined forever. I only like MTV-friendly tunes - stuff like the Backstreet Boys, Christina Aguilera. I've even developed a taste for the tunes advertised on the 'Driving Time' compilations, the ones you can't buy in the shops. Now I'm a big fan of soft rock giants, especially Foreigner, and to a lesser extent Europe."
The 'Lost Tongue Studs' lost faith with MTV when the revelations about the channel's R'n'B favourite Cisqo came to light. "When I heard about Cisqo, I just lost it. How could anyone be like that? Thankfully, I was saved by the Heffer cult, who introduced me to his work after they saw me fall down a manhole during my period of going Cold MTurkeyV."
This stupid kid is one of many "Generation X-ers" who have managed to kick their pop culture habits in favour of the common sense of Heffer. To some, the reason for yoof culture's transition between MTV and stern political opinions is not obvious. The paragraphs below explain, and should be read by all who are not clever enough to calculate the reason for themselves.
The strength of Heffer's political bias in all fields of Little English life was a major attraction to the disenfranchised yoof. Soon, a cult was formed around the columnist, and shrines were made around the country. Rumours say that the cult has grown to include a shrine to every single opinion the journo has ever held.
Nuttbar has his shrine in his own bedroom. It is a picture of Heffer, and a list of legal anomalies related to zany burglar murderer Tony Martin. This is one of the Heff-man's favourite subjects, but this cult member has taken it to an obsessive level.
"Reason number 247: a gay man in Bolton claimed legal aid when someone stabbed him for being gay, but not a penny of legal aid can go to Martin to appeal for release, whereupon he would track down IRA terrorists, and make them see sense by killing them." Nuttbar quotes, with his hand shaking like a bad tumble dryer.
I say that it can only be a matter of time before the yoof find a new cult to join. That's not a sweeping opinionisation - possible cults include new groups called "The Holy Church of Education Reform" and the pseudo-evil "Studio Flat Obsessives" - groups designed to obsess the kids with musi-sounds and mad leaflets. The kids aren't alright, and never will be so long as these sickos are around to prey upon them.