As the May Day bunting and dead-head flowers were removed by street sweepers, a tousled Labour spokesman assured reporters that his party plans to "charge onward" in the face of numerous alleged election losses, and will begin by charging news services who use words like 'landslide' 'bad' 'pitiful' and 'eleven-year Reich' in their elections reporting with high treason, punishable by death.
In fact, all negatives and linguistic negations are to be suspended from use in print, visual and audio reference to Labour, an emergency Home Secretary bulletin reports, with penalties to be applied six months retroactively.
"There has been no election, I told you last year there would be no election in 2008," some flatulent git announced to Downing Street passerby this morning while standing on his front step.
The Sun reports that Margaret Thatcher has once again refused an invitation to Downing Street, disappointing thousands of pinochle fans throughout Middle England.
Rumours that Shadow Ministry passes have been revoked and members locked out of Parliament toilets have not been confirmed, though George Osborne was sighted early this morning at a locksmith's shop.
"Gordon Brown shouldn't smile - it looks unnatural and frightens the horses."
Reports that a Brown smile had been attempted led to the discovery that his broadcast televised image this morning was actually that of a waxworks under construction by Madame Tussauds.
Mr Brown has not been seen since his broadcast but Labour spokespersons have issued assurances that any rumours of suspicious bundles or bodies being removed from Downing Street just before lunchtime are wildly exaggerated.
"Don't be ridiculous, a few rugs had to go out for a good clean, that's all."