London - (Ass Mess): Puppet Monarchy tribute artiste Lord Linley is said to be delighted today after some lowlife crack dealers got five years jail for performing an act of gross indecency upon his person, cramming his nostrils with premium grade Colombian tumescence powders and then asking for a contribution to the local church's organ fund.
"Effing cheek of it all," Linley, 69, guffawed in triumph despite still being locked out of the matrimonial bedroom following the sordid revelations at the Old Bailey.
Linley called in the police when sex tapes of his encounters with some seedy men threatened his "standing and stature" as a bona fide heterosexual member of the royal community.
Vice squad detectives initially had a bit of a laugh before "someone high up in the Buckingham Palace food chain" put the frighteners on them to act "in the pubic interest".
Prince Charles is pleased as punch tonight.