LONDON - Scientists from the world renowned Thropple Research Institute of London today announced that the United Kingdom is "helplessly drifting towards the North coast of France". The shock revelation was made during a hastily arranged lager and peanut session at the ‘Dog & Duck' public house in Tower Hamlets, East London, this morning.
Professor Benny Gimp - Director of the Thropple Research Institute - told The Spoof: "In March 2003 the United Kingdom was exactly 22.665954 miles away from the coast of France; our research now suggests that we are approximately 3 feet away. There was a day when you had to take a ferry to visit the continent; you can now get there with a graceful jump".
Jacques Smoothie, spokesman for the French Department of the Interior, described the claims as "probably correct". Mr. Smoothie told The Spoof: "The French Government has been monitoring the situation for the past two days, whilst we are a little concerned with the developments; we are not alarmed by them".
The Spoof can exclusively reveal that the British Government has purchased hundreds of thousands of oars in an attempt to rectify the situation. Prime Minister Blair is to make a televised statement this evening which is to be a plea for help directed at the British people. A source close to the Prime Minister told The Spoof: "The Prime Minister wants the British people to row their hearts out in order for us to resume our Island status, if we cannot make this happen we will beat the French around the head with the oars, it's a win-win situation".
Edna Bint, spokeswoman for the English Channel Trust, shared her concerns with The Spoof. "The English Channel has been around for a few years now, it is an important shipping route and essential to commerce and trade, as it stands at the moment you can only navigate through the channel on an inflatable shark, it's not funny".
The Spoof can reveal that if the situation remains the same and the United Kingdom does indeed become a French peninsula, the channel will be renamed ‘The English Puddle'. This move will be sure to infuriate fish and Edna Bint.
David Bowie was unavailable for comment.