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Monday, 28 April 2008

image for New Religion Started in St James', Newcastle
The Holy Grail of St James

If you are Christian, Jewish, Moslem, Mormon, 7th day Adventist, a Buddhist, Eric Clapton or even Welsh, the arrival of a new God at the start of the year, and recently omnipresent in the North East of England, threatens to debunk all the world's major religions.

Never before, since the wedding of Tom Cruise where he stood on an orange crate to enjoy a close encounter of the third kind, has so much hysteria overtaken the shadowlands of Newcastle upon Tyne.

People are donating a subscription of up to 910 pounds a year, or 60 pounds a meeting, to be part of this new religion.

There were scenes of hysteria outside St James' park in Newcastle, where many hundreds of this new God's people, The Toon Army, gathered to pay homage to both his arrival and presching for the new term to come after the Summer and his recently inflated bank account.

This new "God on the Tyne", as he has become known, is also sometimes called Kev-In-Kee-Gan by his followers. He began imparting his wisdom to his 11 disciples at the "First Supper", where, as a testament to his deity, he showed them how to change wine into water.

His 11 disciples, some known as Steve Harper, Shay Given, Jose Enrique and even David Rozehnal, have already demonstrated their profound faith in their leader at the "giving over of the admission fee" by their 30,000 members each second Saturday and the occasional Sunday or weekday (closed Fridays). Here, for 90 minutes, they will show the "the spitting of the phlegm", "the running up the field with the shirt over the head", "the arguing with the official" and even the "BAFTA award-winning fall".

Disciple Michael Owen will be paying homage to his 17 million pound transfer fee.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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