Timmy "Mr Entertainer" Mallett is the most recent last minute entry to the race for Mayor of London. Dressed in garish, throw-away fashions from Primark, the 52 year-old plans to take the race by storm.
"I thought it was an actual, running-type race, because, as you know, me and my mallet are available for all types of charity functions, weddings, christenings, barmitzvahs and funerals. However, having paid my entry fee and dug out my Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini, my agent, Nobby Nolevel, told me it was a purely political gig.
"Well I didn't know, did I? I thought it was a case of starting blocks for Ken, Boris, Mr Plod and even that goose-stepping chappie, Adolf, from the BNP. One minute I'm reprising Wacaday on Radio Lambeth, the next, I'm delivering leaflets door-to-door, kissing snotty babies and making promises about the Elephant and Castle library I know I can't keep!
"And then someone asked if my programme on Manchester's Piccadilly Radio - Timmy on the Tranny - was some sort of sexual perversion.
"I mean. I ask you. What is the world coming to?"