Written by Steddyeddy
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Monday, 28 April 2008

image for New Government research reveals absolutely nothing
No, not that kind of research!

Some new research undertaken by the government to inflate the pockets of yet more overpaid consultants, has revealed absolutely nothing.

The research, undertaken by Rentakroud Research of Stroud, assembled two groups of 24 people with the common interest of earning £80 for two hours sitting and chatting about things they really know absolutely nothing about, while nodding their heads, uttering the occasional "yes", and consuming two pints of lager and a packet of crisps.

The most revealing elements of the research, aside from demonstrating that neither the research organisation nor the 48 respondents were in any way qualified to be there, showed:

'Crime doesn't pay' - according to Nobby 'The Knuckle' Brisket, who, thanks to his local bank manager, now has a safe job since leaving prison, crime does actually pay, unless you get caught by the police.

'Austria is the safest country in Europe' - this was found to be true, especially if you are female and have been living locked in a cellar for a couple of decades.

'Avoiding traffic 'rat-run' short cuts' - extensive discussion following this research topic showed that the best way residents could avoid accidents caused by drivers taking short cuts at excessive speeds was to live in a cul-de-sac.

'Lottery roll-overs' - it was found that the main cause of the extraordinary number of times the main lottery prize is not won and 'rolls over' to the following week, is simply down to the odds being so crap. It was decided to organise a syndicate of 14 million people, each doing one different line to the other, as it was felt at least one person would win.

'Spending by local councils' - the main reason Council Tax is so high is because councils will insist on spending money, especially on the likes of art centres for one-legged, multicultural, gay single parents over 50, trips for councillors to obscure East European countries to investigate cemetery grass-growing techniques, and attendance fees for councillors who don't even have the courtesy to turn up for meetings. The consensus was to get rid of the bloody lot and save the Stealth Tax Payer a fortune in the process.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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