Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: Money, Crime, Beer, ASBO, Bus

Wednesday, 30 April 2008

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He should have stayed at home in the sticks with his Mum, and had a nice cup of tea

A teenager who lost his bus ticket has had to walk home from a night out, and was nearly the victim of an unprovoked attack by a drunken mob of slags, according to reports.

Bobby Smith, 17, had been enjoying a night out on the town with his friends in Bognor Regis, and, knowing his drinking limitations, decided to head home for a cup of hot cocoa before he went to bed.

It was only when he boarded the bus, that he realised he must have inadvertently discarded his pre-paid return ticket, and, not having left himself enough money for the correct fare home, had to alight from the vehicle, to the accompaniment of much laughter from the other passengers.

The bus driver, Mohammad Parveen, 86, said:

"I really feel sorry for the lad, but I could have faced the sack had I let him on for free. It may seem unfair, but that's the state of the nation today."

Smith, who had never been out on his own before, walked more than 12 miles to his home, and encountered many dangers on the way.

First, a drunken man asked him for money for a coffee, and then another drunken man asked him for money, this time for his own bus fare home. Several other drunken people - some drunken men, some drunken women and even some drunken children - asked him for money, before he eventually arrived on the outskirts of his home in the village of Burpham.

There, he met a group of drunken slags sitting on a park bench who shouted obscenities in his general direction, and threatened to gang rape him if he didn't give them money for their bus home.

The youngster ran for his life - and his virginity - and finally got home at around 1.45am, more than 4 hours after his normal bedtime. Bobby's mum, Felicity, said:

"He's so young and innocent. I was terribly worried about him. Those slags are all on ASBOs. My husband will pick him up in the Bentley next time."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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