Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: Theft, Milk

Monday, 21 April 2008

image for Milk Stolen From Doorstep
Fortunately, Gladys keeps a cow in her shed

Callous thieves are thought to be behind the callous theft of three bottles of milk which were taken from an old lady's doorstep in Ipswich, say Suffolk police.

The milk, valued at £1.15, was stolen sometime between 6.30 and 7.00 am this morning, and left Gladys Hubbard, 96, "almost totally without milk" for her morning cuppa, which she sips religiously along with her two slices of toast.

Gladys, who lives alone, opened her front door at around 7.01am to find the doorstep devoid of milk, and wasted no time in contacting her local milkman, Ernie Bodge, to find out what the blazes was going on.

Bodge, who is normally pretty reliable, told Gladys he had left her usual three pintas in the same place as he did every day. He did add, however, that he had seen some youths "hanging about", as well as several starlings, who may have carried the milk away to a nearby nest.

It's not the first time Mrs Hubbard has fallen prey to this kind of incident. Last year, an apple was taken from a tree in her back garden.

Luckily, she was able to obtain some milk from her cow, Daisy, whom she keeps in her shed in case of a nuclear attack, or some other such inconvenience.

Talking about the theft afterwards, Gladys said:

"This is just the start. It won't be long before there are immigrants with knives slicing each other up in our living rooms. You mark my words."

A spokesman for Suffolk police said:

"We can confirm that this is the thin end of the wedge."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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