As from Monday, shop staff have been given the power to stop gay men and women from buying items for partners.
It comes after the news that one gay man in his late 20's bought a shirt for his 52 year old partner's birthday.
"The item was changed on 6 occasions, eventually settling on a case of Fairtrade Famatina Valley Pinot Grigio 2006 White Wine. What a pair of pricks," said a disgruntled shop assistant.
The powers don't stop there. Gay couples will now be ejected from shops by specially trained security staff in rubber gloves and masks if they 'bitch' in front of other shoppers.
The guidelines set out by the Homo Office said they'd follow the law closely.
"We don't want to see a scenario where the gays are left in tears by over zealous shop staff," said a spokesperson.
Almost immediately, IKEA sales plummeted.
There was some good news for shirt lifters though, as Ebay said they'd look into the possibility of a 'Fairy Trade' option for Gays who reckoned they'd end up returning packets due to their partners being drama queens.
The Prime Minister, as usual, said fuck all.