In an exciting new twist to the Madeleine McCann case, Portuguese police are ignoring a theory that the missing toddler is alive but lost somewhere in the parallel universe at Heathrow Terminal 5. But that's alright, because a new investigation has been launched by ghost hunter and former Blue Peter presenter Yvette Fielding.
"It's going to be as tremendously exciting series," said Times TV reviewer GG Gild. "Normally, I'm sour about everything but even I think this latest development could add a piquant spice to what thus far has been a very boring plat des folles."
Madeleine McCann went missing in Portugal almost a year ago, giving her plenty of time to make her way to the mysterious and oppressive new terminal at Heathrow, where the damned will suffer without escape for all eternity and seemingly harmless luggage disappears into a miasma from which it can never be extricated.
Portuguese police have previously ignored theories that the child was abducted, kidnapped, ran away with the circus, turned into a pumpkin, and is appearing in London's West End as Cossette in Les Miserables (selected performances only.)
In a leak to the Portuguese whine press, top police officials declined comment as they were lunching, but did let slip that 'What happened to the child is less important than whatever happened to the child is the parents' fault.'
British Airways has denied all responsibility for this and any other matter.