Written by Dan Holmes
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Topics: Bristol

Tuesday, 4 May 2004

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Cosmopolitan Patchway...

Bristol, UK. 4th May 2004

A major terrorist attack on innocent civilians in suburban Bristol was today foiled - by foil.

Amercy Dinglefoot, a housewife from Patchway near Bristol was preparing to prepare breakfast for herself, her daughter Kylie-Marie and husband Duane (35) at about 12.30 today when she became aware of (as she put it) "something funny with the toasted sandwich maker". Normally used to produce toasted corned beef and tomato sandwiches, the fast-food maker smelled odd - at least to Amercy.

"I stuck me nose next to it and -heck did it stink. Almost as though nobody had cleaned it for weeks. But there was more to it than that. I got a definite whiff of fertiliser - and we all know what that's used for. Don't we, Kylie-Marie? Fucking bombs. That's what."

Without a thought for her own safety Amercy lunged for the kitchen foil, stored in a dispenser near the sink, and quick as a flash ripped off a metre chunk and threw it over the offending sandwich toaster.

"Didn't think of meself at all" she told theSpoof modestly. "Just wanted to save my daughter and husband from those foreign Arab bastards. How dare they invade my kitchen? "

Husband Duane (35) was full of praise for his plucky wife. "My plucky wife deserves everything she gets as result of this act of bravery," he told theSpoof. "And if that's a scud up the jacksy - so be it. In any case I love her to bits. However many bits that turns out to be."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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