There was chaos today in London as various sporting celebrities tried to carry the Olympic flame through Central London and past papparazzi-friendly landmarks.
The naked flame had been carried into London on a jet, despite heightened security in airports which dictates that passengers can't carry anything sharp, dangerous or noxious fluids, such as babies milk.
Starting in Trafalgar Square, presenter Connie Huq was knocked to the ground by a marauding gang of freezing homeless men who had spent the night on park benches and leapt at the warmth of the passing Olympic flame.
Just two yards down the road a waiting crowd of pensioners clad in woolly hats and thin rainmacs burst forward and rammed the police cordon surrounding Olympic champion Steve Redgrave. One octogenarian managed to grab the flame from the hand of the startled rower, whilst his "bitterly cold" companions battered the police cordon with bags and umbrellas. Redgrave managed to punch the pensioner to the floor and resume his run.
Next, an exhausted wheelchair bound athlete managed to outrun both the police cordon and about 200 alcoholic drop outs after rumours reached the crowd that the Olympic flame was fuelled by a core of pure alcohol inside the torch.
The torch was finally deposited safely with Gordon Brown, who had been carefully instructed in diplomatic flame etiquette and managed to not touch it at all, gracefully skirting round it and deftly dodging it like it was a poisonous rattle snake.
The torch was propped against Number 10 before being extinguished by a passing dog.